his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
