im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
