I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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