I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
