if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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