About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
