FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
