I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
