Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
