i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
