I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
