man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Randomize
