Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
