Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
