Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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