I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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