I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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