apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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