clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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