I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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