I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Randomize
