angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
