I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
