After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
