I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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