just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
