It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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