You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
