The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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