don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
