The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
