I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
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I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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