We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
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in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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