I just pynch a tree in the face
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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