I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
