Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
