There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
