I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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