and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
