You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
