The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.