No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.