I cannot find my penis.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
