I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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