even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
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im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
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He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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