I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
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Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
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I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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