her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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