Got a toothbrush?
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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