I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
