What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
