I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Randomize
