I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
