i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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