I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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