Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
