90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
