some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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