someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
