i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
