Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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