how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
