I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
